I Know Exactly What I Want.

So Why Do I Keep Walking Away From It?

I have a very clear picture of the life I want.

I have simultaneous dreams. One is a craft or yarn store. The other is working from home on my own terms — a Monday through Thursday schedule with the freedom to randomly take a Tuesday off with my husband just because we feel like it. I want to create things, connect with people, and eventually get on a livestream once a week and just... talk. No script. No performance. Just real conversation with people who actually want to be there.

I've wanted this for a long time. Long enough that I've taken real swings at it — left jobs, restarted, rebuilt. And somehow I keep ending up back at square one. Not because I failed dramatically. Because life got hard — some of those seasons involved real loss and grief that I wasn't prepared for — and because working a job that drains you while you're already running on empty leaves exactly zero energy for building the thing that would eventually replace it. And I want to be clear, I've been incredibly grateful for those jobs. But so the dream gets quietly shelved, and the voice in my head says well, I guess it is what it is. Maybe I should just focus on finding a better paying job working for someone else.

And honestly? That voice is exhausting.

Here's something I'll admit out loud, even though it makes me feel a little weird saying it: I want to be someone people look up to. Someone who champions others. I was worried that sounded egotistical — but I don't think it is. I think that's just finally being honest about what I'm actually building here. This table isn't just for me.

The thing that kept stopping me from the creator path wasn't laziness or fear exactly. It was that the whole "influencer" world felt fake, and I am a quiet person who is not practiced in bullshitting. I couldn't figure out where I fit.

But here's what I'm learning: that's not a weakness. That's actually the whole point. The internet has plenty of people who are very good at performing. It doesn't have nearly enough people who are just... real.

So this year I told myself I would at least start. Instagram stories. Maybe TikToks. Get comfortable being seen before I worry about being polished. Viking Princess Susie isn't a performance — it's just me, finally building the thing I kept walking away from.

I'm tired of walking away.

If any of this sounds familiar — pull up a chair. Tell me what's the thing you keep shelving? Because I have a feeling I'm not the only one who's tired of walking away.